I have been very fortunate over the years; I have known and worked with literally hundreds of people who have allowed me access to their innermost thoughts and feelings. I have had the pleasure of seeing many of them go on to lead happy and fulfilled lives. Often there was just one very simple thing missing, one element needed to make them feel good.

You know, what a girl really needs is self esteem, its more than just confidence. The very word esteem tells us why it is important: etymologically, it comes from the Latin word aestmare, ‘to put a value on’. It shares the same root as the word ‘estimate’. So self-esteem is quite literally, the value we put on ourselves.

So what are the key ingredients of self-esteem? People with high self-esteem have a strong sense of self; they like themselves; they can recognise and manage their internal state; and they have a clear sense of purpose. These things are not magically allocated at birth. Even if we are really lucky and gather up the good stuff along the path, from loving nurturing relationships, and supportive education and work environments, challenging the world’s ‘norms’ can inflict a bit of a battering to even the most robust self esteem. This can lead to lack of confidence.

We all learn things by modelling ourselves on others, watching what they do, copying it, then once we have got it, making it our own. What others can do – you can learn, and that’s what my page is going to be all about, exploring what other people with high self esteem do, and then breaking it down into distinct and manageable chunks, so that we can begin to learn how to do it too.

So this is a page of how-to’s, practical ways that anyone can use to enhance self esteem, and build self confidence.

Part 1

Behaving as if

When you think of the way people with high self esteem actually present themselves, you will find a kind of recipe for external behaviour.

Stand or sit upright.

Move in a measured purposeful way.

Make eye contact with people.

In my line of work I often meet new people, and with practice I have learnt to tell a great deal about them simply from details such as these. The strange thing is that I have also seen that if you do the things a confident person does, as they would do them, you will actually feel more confident yourself.

So behave as if. You can try this at home, or in the pub or shopping. Walk up to the bar as if you expected to be served immediately: talk to the person serving you in the shop or the bank as if you expect them to respect your situation or your needs. Stand tall, relax your shoulders and bring them back, so that you correct any defensive hunching before you say anything. Look at them as you speak. Speak more slowly than usual, if nervousness usually makes you rush, or more distinctly if you are quiet or hesitant.

Behaving as if may be deliberate, but it not fraudulent. You will find that as you make these changes you do feel more confident, and as you feel more confident the changed behaviour will feel more natural. All you have done is stop the old cycle of self effacement and turn it around. All by yourself.

Part 2: Emphasising what works ...

Feelings and behaviour affect each other. Behaviour reveals our feelings, and also affects them. Usually, we assume that to change behaviour we need to feel differently first; but often, it's easier to begin the other way around.

Someone with poor self-esteem will focus their attention on what hasn't worked, on the critical comment rather than the praise; on what there is still to do rather than what they've done already. In exactly the same situation, someone with high self-esteem will look for what did work, repeat the praise to themselves, and remind themselves of what they have achieved. This doesn't necessarily mean they are unrealistic: they may well be aware of what remains to be done, or could be done differently, its just they are using the ‘good’ information as fuel to provide energy and motivation.

Positive stocktaking

Think back over today. I want you to:

Take time to relish something that went well. Giving yourself time to appreciate what has been successful is one way to make yourself feel better - and to notice the patterns of feeling, thought and behaviour that were involved. That way, you can learn from them and use them again.

Go through it again in your head. Repeating something helps to ingrain it in your mind.

Praise yourself. Praise is nourishment and reward in one. Even if no one else is there, even if no one knows what you did but you, you can nourish and reward yourself. Each time, you build your self-esteem.

Encourage yourself. Encouragement builds your resources for the challenges and difficulties you may have to face. Think of what you'd say to someone else - then say it to yourself.

Comfort yourself when something didn't go as you wanted or hoped.

Wounds need to heal before we can stress the area again. Emotional wounds are no different in this respect. Taking time to comfort yourself is a way of pacing yourself before you try to lead yourself on again.

Think of anything that went well in the past.

This is not just a way of escaping from something unpleasant in the here-and-now. It's an important way of preventing yourself from making negative generalisations (I never get it right, I'm hopeless ...). Generalisation is one of the ways in which we can lose track of reality. Making negative generalisations about yourself can lead you seriously astray.

Remind yourself of a happy moment or a good feeling. This too is a way of eroding negative generalisations. But it's also a way of helping you change state, because whenever you imagine something vividly (as, in this case, recalling something that made you feel good), you inevitably make changes in your state and your neurophysiology.

If you did none of these things, are you blaming yourself right now? Take the information as feedback, and make yourself a promise that you will explore at least one of them today, and the others this week.

Accepting yourself as you are

One of the cornerstones of self-esteem is self-acceptance. This means accepting yourself as you are. By this I don't mean an unrealistic blanking out of things that give you difficulty, or pretending to yourself that you're perfect. I mean exactly what the words say: accepting yourself as you are. There is a lot of evidence from different schools of therapy that once people can accept themselves honestly and without blame, recognising but not condemning their limitations and weaknesses, they begin to be able to grow and change. The therapist Carl Rogers said: I find that when I stop trying to change myself, then it happens. I believe that this is generally true, because trying to change yourself suggests some sort of effort on your part which may well entail overcoming some internal resistance. When you stop trying, you stop the resistance. That doesn't mean you don't want to change, but it does mean you achieve it differently.

Too often we assume willpower will do it. We'll just force ourselves to make the change. However, in my experience willpower is far more effective when all of you is behind the change you want to make. Trying to force ourselves is really only an attempt by one part of ourselves to overcome another part.

Coming next ... more ways to help you live your dream ...

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